just talked to dad...didn' say too much other than "um hm", "yes", and "no" because i couldn't talk... everything i say was broken by my violent sobbing... i couldn't help it... maybe it is just one of those days....i don't know.... i just want to exhaust myself with crying... it is ok, dad said, to get some things out by crying. but i hate crying... it only shows my weaknesses... he wants me to find somebody to talk to... i don't want to talk to anybody other than mom and dad (and maybe a complete stranger, so that he/she can just think that i am insane)... i don't want to cry in front of others... i don't want to talk to others about my "problems"... i don't even know what my "problems" are. i don't even know what is making me cry like this... i just want someone i can trust totally, like my dad, to just pat on my back and tell me that everything will be over...that everything will go away... nothing more and nothing less... i don't want people to starting talking to me as if they KNOW what the problems are and telling me how to SOLVE it... excessive talking...too annoying... that's unlikely to happen because they would say they care for me... true... they care for me, but in a way that i don't want... i don't have anything to complain...other than i am stressed by something i don't really know.... i just want someone to tell me why i am crying right now, why i am feeling down out of nowhere, and why i can't focus on what i am supposed to focus on... perhaps this is the fear for the approaching 19th birthday... fear that my teenage years are ending soon, that i will no longer be a kid anymore... i wish i can be a 5-year old kid forever, so i don't have anything to worry about... i don't know... maybe i am frustrated that i don't understand anything in chemistry and i am still passing.... maybe i am confused about who i am.... maybe i am angry at my last physics quiz that i should've gotten 4/4 instead of a 3/4... maybe i am sad that Vxxxx is getting really old all of a sudden and is not eating... maybe i am mad that i have to go to the CSC trip and do all my paper, poster, and essay at the same time... too much "maybe"s... maybe i am just worrying too much... i always have the feeling that i will one day drive myself crazy and i will just "break down" into violent cryings and don't know what's really going on.... sigh... dad wants me to learn how to express and describe my feelings to others, so that they don't have to guess....because they can have the wrong guesses.... but it would be hard since i don't really know what i am feeling other than i am sad, depressed for something i don't quite know.... i will stop now... writing on the blog helps me to stop crying...

roselyn, the graduate student from taiwan (she's an english teacher in taiwan) whom i am tutoring, and i have decided to read one of the greatest chinese novel in CHINESE next semester together... we will read "Dream of Red Chamber"... i read it when i was 12, but the language, at that time, was too hard for me... i don't think i'll be able to read it without any help, but roselyn is going to teach me Chinese that way. i am excited... because, once i learn and understand the novel, i will be in the "high school" level in taiwan. the high school students in taiwan read some passages of Dream of Red Chamber in their Chinese class... that's something to look forward to...

mm...i should eat something since i promised dad i would eat something for dinner, take a shower, and read some hamlet and go to bed

thanks to the ones who offer to listen to me...