i did something that most people would not be able to imagine me doing...

this morning, i got very annoyed by the cashier at burger king, because he didn't seem to pay any attention to what we were ordering. i got mad (because of this stupid little thing) and i turned my back to him telling yee, "how can he be so stupid" (note, everything in the sentence was in chinese except the word "stupid"). what horrified me is not only what i said, but the fact that i had no regret saying it whatsoever. i felt that the cashier deserved to be called stupid at the time. he asked twice if we wanted sausage yet we had already told him that we wanted ham. he gave us two cups of coffee but we ordered two soda, and when he realized that we had ordered soda, he only switched one coffee to soda... "what was he THINKING? Was he even listening?" Even when mom and told me to shut up, i still had no regret for what i had said. It was not only extremely rude to say someone is stupid in front of him with my back to him, but it showed me how bad i am. I was so inconsiderate, so irrational, so unforgiving, so unempathetic, and so bad inside. how awful it would be to hear someone mumble a bunch of unfamiliar sounds with only one distinctive word, "stupid," and to see her back to my face... if i were at his place, i would feel so horrible and so unhappy the whole day. i ruined his day! it could've been such a wonderful and happy sunny day, yet the morning incident probably made him feel so horrible. Not only did i ruin his day, i ruined my day too. I see the impurity and darkness within myself...the black bloody spots everywhere... i had no empathy or compassion, no kindness, no patience, no love, and no grace. when i saw myself in the mirror...it was this shallow and hollow ugly girl... i can totally see why the eyes are the windows to one's soul... my soul is so dark and melancholy... i wanted to drive back and apologize for what i said, but i didn't do it. i am such a coward. i wish someone could spank me and wake me up from this horrible mentality. am i dead? how could i feel that he deserve it when i said it? nobody deserves to be called like that... nobody does. i cannot forgive myself for saying something so horrible like that.

i was rude to this guy today, but i have been rude to mom a lot lately too... why can't i control myself... i must learn how to control myself... i feel so unworthy of being her daughter because she's been such a great mom...yet i am not doing what i am supposed to do. this is so frustrating.... i hate myself sometimes...