sigh. i am back in my girlish mood again... :-/. please help me through this. i feel so stupid to be thinking about this person constantly, nonstop... it is not even fun. mitalee thinks i am in love... i told her, no, he is just a friend. i lied. she knows and she sees all. i have to lie to myself so i am not going to get myself into this messy thing called "relationship." you can call me a coward, because i am. deep within my heart, i know what is going on with me, but i just want to run away from it so i don't have to deal it. i am in love w/ his personality and the way he treats me... i don't know if i am just a friend to him like all his other friends, or if there is something else... i don't know if i want to know. it will remain a mystery, and i will never find out. perhaps it is better to be a mystery, so i can ponder over it when i am bored... sometimes, i want to throw a big squeezing hug at him just to let him know how much i appreciate him being my friend... and perhaps, i'll be able to secretly kiss him without his notice. only in my dreams... it would feel really nice to laugh really hard and know that i don't have to be afraid of falling over, because i will be laughing against someone's protective solid shoulders. i wonder if i am mixing a feeling of friendship with a feeling of love... how do you distinguish the two? someone once told me that once friends become too close for too long, there is very little chance of them ever becoming girlfriend-boyfriend, just because they know one another too well. maybe, this will be my case... maybe it will be the best... i've been trying hard to make myself think that this is going to be the best. so just let it be and let it go, pei. it's not working well... i still can't get him off of my mind... why am i so dumb? i feel really dumb... i am supposed to be CALM and RATIONAL when i face something like this... be realistic, pei... so i told mitalee, i still consider him to be taken... it's too soon... i can't. it's not right... what would the other girl think? i don't want to be the one breaking her heart. there is no way i am doing it to another girl. it's not ethical. i don't think it is right... mitalee just gave me a hug... maybe i am just too old fashioned. maybe i should be the kind of people living in the 18th century china...

what's the hurry? when it comes, it comes... when it goes, it goes. i should just cherish the things i have now.

aside from this...

i had a great 21st birthday... THANK YOU SO MUCH, GUYS AND GIRLS. you guys are so adorable. I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH... i really do. i don't know what i would do without your support and company... i LOVE the pink flowers and cake ms. D and her mom got for me. i LOVE the socks that sewa and anna brought me. I love how the two girls just make my day filled w/ sunshine and laughters. i absolutely Love the smell of my new hand therapy lotion from crabtree & evenlyn from Shine. i LOVE the phone calls that came in to wish me happy birthday today. i LOVE how charlie convinced me to invite emily, ms. d, and janelle to have dinner with me @ outback. i LOVE the random comments janelle makes and her "sinus" class...hehe. i LOVE how we just goofed around and take the most random pictures of us and the way janelle takes pictures...haha. i LOVE how ms. d and emily would start bursting out laughing with their own little inside jokes, even though i am often totaly oblivious to them. i LOVE to be able to laugh all i want and doesn't have to care about what others think of me. i LOVE the stuffed flu virus that jared got for me. IT IS SO WITTY. I LOVE CCF and the people there who made michigan a home away from home for me. man... i LOVE my dad and how he actually sent me a two-lined e-mail to wish my wishes come true. i LOVE mom and yee for being there for me when i need you... you guys are absolutely amazing... i am SOOOO fortunate to have you in my life. How can i ever thank you enough? i don't know how to express my feeling anymore...and i just want to hug each and everyone of you to let you know how much you mean to me in my life.

THANKS!!!