where should i start?

it always makes me feel special when a friend is willing to share his or her experience with me. it makes me feel that i am trustworthy enough for this friend to tell me about himself/herself. throughout the past 3 weeks or so, i am glad that a very close friend of mine was willing to share his thoughts with me. it made me feel really honored and made me feel much closer to him...in a sense, i got to know him a little bit better.

i can't really tell when it all started... it probably started gradually, so subtle that i didn't really realize it until i almost lost it. i remember how hard it was in fall semester. i never knew it could be that hard to miss someone and get no response back. so i kept telling myself, "maybe he's too busy. maybe it is the distance" then, i began to tell myself that i was thinking too much, perhaps, being friends was the best for both of us. later, he came back, but nothing really changed. there was something different about him. i could sense it, but i couldn't tell where or what was different. so i continued to tell myself that nothing was going to happen, and i told myself that i should try to be a better friend to all my friends--a friend who would stop whatever she was doing and listen. i met some of the coolest people in my college career... sometimes i seriously think that to have friends in life is much more fulfilling than to have lovers in life. friendship means much more...

when i found out why he was acting the way he did, all my doubts and concerns went away. so that was the reason. life. there are a lot of things that are out of my control. it took me a couple weeks to accept it. i am not sure how "normal" i acted during that time... one needs to be strong in order to survive. i learned in middle school that frustration, sadness, or anger will only go away if one decides to let it go. it's not the end of the world. :). sometimes things come and go unexpectedly.

surprise.

it is like watching a movie with an interesting twist at the end. i have to say that life is like a drama. i felt like a 3rd person watching all the drama happening. i often feel that way when i look at things. i am not quite sure why.

perhaps it was the combination of the drive to california, the flight to HK and taiwan, what happened later (or in the past 3 weeks or so) was like a fastforward of some movies... what should have happened in the span of 2.5-3 years got condensed to 3 weeks. i looked at it in wonder... was it the kiss or the hug that lit the fire? sometimes i felt like the rein was let loose and the horse is running wild within myself. i often asked what i was doing....and if i ever thought about the consequences....but i don't think my mind can think clearly through this anymore. it is a little bit scary in a sense.

anyhow...i am finally falling asleep due to the jet lag... it is 6:09AM Michigan time and 3:09AM California time. i should try to get some sleep... class is starting on friday...

nite