Instead of finishing notes today, I really cannot focus.

I am mentally exhausted.  How does one do self-care when there are all these demands coming from all angles?  I must be horrible at managing my time...  clinical duties, administrative duties...  research duties which I've essentially put aside at this point...  personal life...on hold.  most friends...on hold.  This is a horrible year.

The death certificate last week gave me a bit of closure to my intellectual self.  It is still so hard to believe that he is really gone.  I wouldn't say that I was close to him, but I am still really sad.  I feel that I really got to know him a little bit better over the last 2 months.  I feel really fortunate that he shared with me some of his deepest thoughts about humanity in the weeks prior to his death.  It may be one of the few times when he really experienced compassion.  I think he was happy that he came to that conclusion before he died despite the fact that he was already in his 70s.

With all of these...there is another layer of sadness...  He told his wife that they would have to maintain the balance in a relationship.  An interesting choice of word...  Balance.

He will always live in my memory.  He is actually quite a sweet man.  He is a little shy, a little reserved, not the best at expressing his feelings.  He is actually one of the most forgiving and kind person that I've ever known...  I wondered if he ever struggled with the consequences of the past, but I think he found way to resolve the conflicts in his mind by accepting the facts and letting them go, because everything needs a balance.  I think he probably learned at young age that a lot of things in life are not worth stressing about and that it is better to live a life stress free and be happy.  He is also a planner and a thoughtful person...  I think he probably anticipated that the day will come when he wouldn't be around and his wife would have to handle everything by herself...  To alleviate some of the anticipated stress and chaos, he wrote down everything that she would have to do, just like what you would see in a science lab instruction book, step by step.

I will remember the monkey king story on his porch in the summer, the trip to bear mountain/west point, many routine trips to the malls in the afternoons, random snacks (including pizza but without the topping or cheese) in the food courts, the cabbage and pork on the soggy noodle, the aspirin question, the pecan pie, the smile and happiness on his face with my occasional visits...  His insistence on driving to the Palisade Mall during the busy holiday season, so that I could get some air...  His insistence for me to leave the hospital only 10-15 minutes after I arrived, because he didn't think it was safe..

Don't worry.  I will keep my promise...