On the bus ride back to Brody, I felt good. (what does that suppose to mean?)

I got to talk to my chemistry professor for the first time because I didn't understand some of the things about acids and bases. I shouldn't have judged people... shouldn't have looked at people with my critical eyes. It turned out that the professor is extremely patient and happy to help me with my questions. I was a bit intimidated at first that I was telling Janelle that professor smith is probably going to think I am really stupid, because my questions are so basic. No, that's not what happened. Chemistry looked a lot less frightening after he took time and explained it to me with pictures... I needed courage to ask my questions, and somehow, there was this force that tells me to just go ahead and ask. Don't be afraid. He's actually a really funny professor, despite his strange organizational skills. I like him. I regret that I didn't get to know him sooner, and the semester is almost over. He said my questions are really good questions. Very encouraging. Now I am really pumped to start studying for my chemistry final, thanks to him.

I thought about the meaning of my name, Pei. How does it all start? It means to be admired, or just admiration in general. I do think, at least in my case, that name really helps to define and shape a person. I try to live up to my name so people would "admire" me... Admiration... Why did my dad give me this name other than its "prefix" has the "ren" (people) character, which is what my generation's names are based on (yee, ju, chi, and myself)? I told myself, that in order to be admired, I must do well and be a role model for other people. I must be independent, hard-working, and good. For some reason, I feel that the word "admiration" creates a distance between the person being admired and the actual admirers. It sounds a little strange... It reminds me of the "Princess Tree" in the garden by the library. I was admiring its toughness, even though the tree itself is really slender. It has that tough look to it... it is not afraid of the cold. it doesn't crouch to harsh weather. it can't, or else it wouldn't be called the "Princess Tree." I was admiring it. It was just a few inches away from me, yet I felt it was so high up, something that can't be reached (well, physically it is reachable). I hope my name has not completely molded me into the "Princess Tree"... This is such a strange thing... I want to be admired by people but I don't want there to be a gap between people and me. hmm...how should I put it? maybe, i should say that i want to be on the same leveled ground as the others? Does this show my pride in myself? hmm... I don't know, but I do have a lot of pride in myself. sometimes I think I should just lower my self-esteem a little bit... I don't want people to think that I am smart, because I really am not. when a lot of people say that to me, i start to believe that i am smart, even though i am really not. it is not a good thing to know that one is smart. it makes me lazy, and so i stop working hard...which is even worse. (not trying to blame anybody here.) sometimes i wish that i was not the valedictorian of my school...

i guess this is something that i learned today...i should really start studying hard for chemistry, not only because i want to do well in the class, but i want to actually understand it. i should go do work now.

happy tuesday