lately, i've been wondering who i really am. i guess that is what i set out to do when i started college, to find myself again. what i've been searching for is the "pei" when she was 12 years old. i suppose that i had too much fun that year that i never wanted to grow up, and i want to be like that forever. no worries. but the reality is the reality. it is not good to dwell on memory, becuase life does go on until the end. dad always tells me that i am a "double-faced" person because i am so different in school than at home. even though i hate to admit that fact, i have to say that perhaps "multi-faced" would be better to describe myself.

the pei in school worries about not having enough time to do all the things she wants to do. classes, group activities, friends, etc... some people always see her smiling and laughing. some people always see her frowning and crying. some people always hear her complaining. some people always see her studying... yadah yadah yadah... some people think that she never have real fun in school, but she does.

the pei at home thinks about absolutely nothing fun or interesting because there is really no stimulus for life whatsoever. she thinks about absolute nothingness. what does "nothing" even mean? she reads books and the bible (slowly) and tries to take notes on the things that she thinks would help her understand more about life. she hears her mom's complaints and worries, but does she really listen? i don't know. maybe yes, maybe no. she doesn't talk as much as she does in school because there is really nothing interesting to talk about. everything is so calm and so peaceful, or so she thinks. she worries about the health and well-being her family members and about her future financial plan for her medical education, even though dad tells her not to worry about. but does she think? she feels that her brain is rusting and wasting away and that there are bars around her everywhere she goes, because she never gets out of the fenced place.

the pei at work doesn't think either, but at least she gets a few good laughs here and there. there are good customers and the icky ones, just like everywhere else. she meets different people (almost saw a fight between 2 customers the other day) and finds out that not all poeple are good people which she already knows but doesn't want to admit. she enjoys looking at babies in the strollers with their moms coming into the store. babies make her feel that there are people who still have pure and innocent hearts. she learns a little more about the hardship in life by looking at her coworkers' lives. not every one is as fortunate as she is, yet she is still not content. this horrifies her because it shows her how greedy she is...

maybe all these don't make any sense at all. she just feel she's very much "cold" and "distant" to her surrounding right now. she thinks that she's very much "dead" because she lacks feelings of emotion and the feelings of thoughts running through the wiring of her brain. it's too calm... (or maybe it is just the peace before the stormy semester coming up?)

need external and internal stimuli... she wish she can somehow let this "nothingness" out by crying, but she can't because there is nothing to cry about. that's a sad fact when life is a blank sheet of paper with a few dots here and there that mark the more interesting days.