This afternoon, I was sitting in the library by those big windows. Everything is so quiet outside, it seems, at least. I see this cobweb on the window, forming a polygonal shape, concentric (somewhat)… the spider has put a lot of work onto making that web there. The gossamer strings glitter under the sun light that came through the clouds from time to time. The web breaks often due to the weather, but the spider will mend it back quickly. I wonder if he ever complained about the weather. I wonder if he is very grumpy whenever the wind and the rain have gone against his wish. I wonder if he feels bitter. Today, I didn’t do well on my orgo quiz even though I’ve been studying it for hours on... definitely more than 10 hours. My carelessness has caused me a lot of points recently. Maybe I am not focusing enough. Maybe I should write down, “Be Careful of the XXXX” on my exam just as a reminder of my carelessness. You can’t be a good doctor if you are always careless. One mistake might end someone’s precious life. I can’t use “carelessness” as my excuse for getting something wrong. I can’t take these constant “self-blaming” for not doing well. I am disappointed at myself… Maybe I am asking too much of myself, but if I don’t, I will never improve and get better. Sometimes, I wonder if I am really studying… The amount of my work put into it is no less than the ones who do better… I am bitter. Yet, people keep telling me that I am “smart” and that I would get good grades even without studying… I don’t like hearing those. First, there are people who are so much smarter than I am. By keep telling me that I am smart is feeding my “pride” in myself… I don’t want to be too “proud” of myself. I don’t want to start thinking that I am smarter than many people, because I am not. There are higher mountains than Mt. E on our Earth. There will always be higher ones beyond one’s own nearsightedness. Look far beyond… I think I am too lenient on myself nowadays. Second…I’ve never gotten good grades without putting some sort of effort into it. Argh.

What’s WRONG with me?

Sometimes, I think I am too obsessed with grades that I need to relax, too. But… sigh… My conscious will start eating itself from inside because I’ll feel so guilty by not doing what I am supposed to do. How am I going to get into medical school without good grades? Dad keeps reminding me of the hard works that I’ve done so far…just to let me know that I can’t stop half way. If I do…I’ll disappoint myself and so many others, too. This is definitely a test for me in myself… I can’t give it up, in fact, I won’t ever give it up.

I need to find someone to talk to… to get it out.
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written last week...yeah...feel a little better now after complaining this to several people.