This is an illness narrative from this fairly famous doctor/author in Taiwan. He's writing this story that his patient told him once.
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This is a story that my patient told me.

When my gynecologist told me that I have ovarian cancer, I thought, "God, this is the third cancer I've had in my life."

I once saw a commercial on TV. The commercial describe a man who fell off a cliff, but didn't die. He stood up, and he was hit by a truck. He didn't die from that either. Finally, a lightning bolt hit him, but he still didn't die. You will realize in the commercial that he's Death who was drinking a brand name beer in a bar and forgot about his job temporarily.

I thought about this commercial when I heard the diagnosis, but I might not be this lucky this time. I know pretty well that the survival rate of ovarian cancer is very low. Patients who are like me, not many of them live over than a year. However, I still force myself to think positively. "If I were able to survive the previous two cancers," I thought, "there is no reason that I can't go through a third."

I am a head nurse of a hospital unit. I am still standing firm to my position at work. There is an advantage of being a head nurse in this kind of position, that is, once the patients know that you can feel their pain and suffering, they would really start to like you and respect you deep within their hearts. They wouldl listen to your opinion.

For a while, I always used to say, "Look at me, I am still fighting even though this is my third cancer..."

But as time goes by, I say this less and less, because when the old patients try to introduce new patients to me, they would always say, "Look at the head nurse, she has had three cancers..." It seems as that they become really satisfied by just hearing that. Saying these things to patients is more powerful than the medical care. If the head nurse can survive 3 cancers, then, they naturally can continue to live. My living has become a positive/optimistic living proof of my fight against cancer. Everyone feel strongly that I should continue to live, and I also feel that I have a huge responsibility to do so. To tell the truth from a different angle, I need my patients more than they need me. My job lets me realized the patient's anxiety and fear, and therefore, I tell myself not to be like that.

In our unit, there is a female patient with late stage of cancer. When she found out that her husband has been having an affair with another woman, she tried to commit suicide. I told her later, "If you are going to be gone later, apparently there is someone else who would come cand take care of him for you. What's so bad about that?"

When I talked to my husband about the same thing, he just laughed it away.

I said, "I am serious," and I said again, "If I am gone, I want you to find another close partner." But he still reacted the same way, just laughed.

In the past 4 years, I arranged our insurance, mortgage, and the accounts...and all of the future plans, he is just like that, just smiles them away. He doesn't like to talk about these things, as if the things I am arranging will never happen.

I try to keep my life the same way. I drive to the hospital to work by myself, get the chemo, and take and pick up my daughter to and from school, pretending everything is just normal like before. Sometimes I wonder if I am just trying to lie to myself, but I don't have any other way. We all need these normal regular life.

I have a daughter who is 16 now. Ever since she was 12, she's been there with me in my walk against cancer. Maybe in my unconscious, I don't think I am going to be lucky this time. I start to use the time while on the car ride with my daughter to teach her and tell her how to use rice cooker, how to cook, how to wash dishes, how to use the washer... things that mothers would teach their daughters. She's always really messy, and that makes me worry. But the more I teach her, it seems that the bigger her resistance is. We often argue about these small things on the car.

This afternoon on the car, she asked me, "Ma, are you going to die tomorrow?"

I thought for a moment, "I don't think so?"

"If not, can you stop forcing to teach me all these things?"

Once I heard it, I didn't' say anything. My heart sank. I never thought that these things would give her so much stress and pressure.

The night before bed, I found how that she had washed all the dishes in the kichen. She left me a note, it reads, "Ma, I am sorry that I said those things this afternoon. Please don't' worry about me. I am not going to be messy forever. I just don't want you to die..."

My first reaction, "Mama doesn't want to die either."

Then I thought about the commercial of Death drinking in the bar. I think i am a pretty strong person, but when I thought about Death drinking beer leisurely and I am so busy here, I couldn't stand it anymore. That was the first time in my life when I really cried.
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not only did she cried...Ms. D and I cried when I read this to her...