While studying psychology in the library this afternoon, I got distracted by the spiders on the window (thank goodness they are outside and not inside the library). The breeze was blowing pretty lightly. There is this one spider with white striped legs climbing up and down the invisible string and getting blown in all direction by the wind. Despite the fact that I am very scared of spiders (8-legged and 6-legged animals), I have to say I was amazed by the perseverence of this spider... I think it was weaving its web in a seemingly non-systematic way. Imagine all the hard work it has to go through to make one web! I don't know how it had survived the rain and the gusts, the unrelenting weather. It never stops... If the wind and the rain destroy the web, it will mend it again and again until it is good. It never gives up hope... It is probably the spider's instinct, but how do you know for sure? Maybe all spiders have this kind of work ethic, and they just never want to give up on hope. I wonder if it ever gets annoyed because it has lost its patience...

I am very impatient these few days...sigh... My impatience is getting a control over my mood, which is very bad. I don't have the mind to listen to anybody talk anymore, because I am always thinking about the things that I need to get done. I start saying, "Ah...I gotta go, I gotta go now. Sorry, I will talk to you later," and run out to do whatever that I am supposed to do. It reminds me of the character (Dr. Posner) in the play, W;t. How can I sacrifice friendship for materialistic things? Why can't I spare my time to hang out with my friends and the people I love? I should. I am torn between my own academic pursuit and friendship... Both are very important. I have to say that I am a very greedy person, because I want them both at the same time and I want to have the full pursuit and the full friendship... How do you do it? I feel like I have become so distant and so cold toward the people I love... It feels like I am intentionally trying to immerse myself into the world of oblivion... I don't know how to describe it... I feel like I am not a good friend to anybody anymore... I feel alienated from the world around me.

Sigh...

We'll see...