my brother's new entry almost 2 weeks ago... i like the flow of his words.

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i used to love reading about other people's lives and pretend it was my own. i've tried to provide solutions to problems that i only know slight details of and felt like i have done something good in the world and in their lives. i suppose it's time to start paying attention to things that surrounds me instead of living in some sort of fantasy. on friday this chaplain from the UCLA hospital came to talk to us. he is gay, he has no religious affiliations and he doesn't preach. he goes in and talks to people who are dying from cancer at the hospital. he said the greatest thing that he can provide the patients with is "compassion," where he shares a part of their sufferings. by just sitting by their sides a few times a week he can observe the progress that the patients have made and the slight changes in attitude of the patients. it's hard to incorporate something you've heard at a public speaking into your life. there are two times that something i have heard really made me reconsider what i've been doing so far. in 11th grade a substitute spent the entire class talking about living life to the fullest. just on friday the chaplain talked about how many of the dying regretted that they haven't done enough. if i was to die today i wouldn't have much of an objection. the thought of dying isn't what scares me, but it is the thought of the people around me. for some reason we have the ability to change the life of someone we have never met. when pat daliso died the high school went through grief together. when the girl in dykstra died it shocked many of us. the tools we have and the times we spend actually living our life is minimal. it is hard to notice all the aspects of life that you love and remember until you have lost it. there are things about home that i miss and remember vividly. driving to school in the winter and watching the sun come up above the trees and lake by boccis, the little corner for sightseeing across the bear mountain bridge next to the boulders, the way i drive into my parking spot under the tree and checking the mailbox everyday, the way the sky looked above the swingset by catie's house, the nights i've spent at brittany's, the weekends that demi spent hours playing music and survive another reality, the random driving with christina, the muddy and salty road in the winter, the way our toilet never flushed right, how our old shower sucked, the crappy hangers in my mom's room, my little crappy couch and cd stand in the corner of my room, our humongous computer desk, the piano that i used to touch every once in a while, lying alone at sunrise on the beach, partying with the entire grade, silly things like that. i hated my paranoia of getting shocked by any metallic object every winter morning and loved the way the woods looked in the autumn, how the leaves would change colors and the sky would spin with the clouds. if i was to die today i'd call everyone that i've loved and say farewell and give them my wishful thinkings. now that i think about it, i don't have much that i would regret, but just miss the things that has yet to happen. if i was to start it all over again i would spend more time living instead of wasting my time on trivial things. people are what it matters in this world and love is what we live for. say goodbye to the things that consumes our lives and just start living. change.