sometimes I feel that i have a very weak mind...

i fear for loneliness... sometimes, somehow, i would get the idea that someone dear to me would disappear and leave me all alone by myself and that my happiness would also disappear with time and distance... This sense of insecurity is completely without reason, at least not for now. This fear of being left alone and abandoned makes me cry in the middle of the night...and my heart would twinge with pain... then I would fall asleep with tears drying on my cheeks...

my reasonable self would reassure me the next day that i was just thinking too much and too bored... thinking about the negative things just like what my mom does when she is bored...

then...

there is the fear that i would turn into my mom one of these days, and become someone who would be scared by the trivial things in the world. Maybe I have inherited the worrying genes from my mom...and from her constant insecurity about her stale marriage and her future home after retirement... She sleeps with worried face... Sometimes I look at her, and suddenly realize how hard she has been trying to comform to the society's expectation of a woman, a working mother, and a wife--being chaste, loving, caring, and self-less. And then I understand why she acts the way she does...why she yells at me for being selfish, only thinking about myself and not her. In fact I see it and understand it... but i don't think i want to admit that i actually know what she's going through. because i am also scared... i am scared that once i admit to it, i will no longer be accepted by the society. i am scared to be called a westernized girl who forgets about the importance of family... i am scared that if they find out...they'll just get angry and leave... so in essense, i am a small copy of my mother... living in the feeling of guilt whose origin is the future unknown. (sigh...doesn't it sound ironic sometimes? all this talk coming out from my mouth?)

i wonder...if guys feel the same as well... if people in general are all living under the fear of not fitting into the expectation of the world...

no wonder adults always told me that their childhoods were the happiest times in their lives... because there were no worries... kids don't normally understand these kind of things until they get older and become "educated"...

is ignorance really a bliss?