i meant to write something yesterday...but i was too frustrated and too tired to write.

i listened to the testimonies that people gave about how god helped them in their lives. all of them had something to do with sickness and death of a family member or of self... while some of them sparked little interest in me, others are pretty amazing. like one of the guys said during the dinner get together, he really had to try hard to put his self and ego away to let god into his heart. i think i know what he means... i don't believe completely... i don't have faith... it requires a lot of courage to believe in something that's intangible... anyhow...

so last night, one of the ladies asked if i would go to church today with her, and i said okay because i felt pressured to do so. i am okay with going to church and listen to the message...but sometimes i feel guilty being in church because i am not one of them who deeply believe in god. god, sometimes to me is a human artifact and sometimes he's real... yet i know, to others, that thought is unacceptable and that god really exists in the world for them. so i promised to go to church and later regretted it because i didn't really want to go with them... i just wanted to go with my mom...to give her a bit of support from the family...and...to learn about life's lessons for myself. it was bad to promise something that i didn't really want to do. i know. it made me feel really awful...and created frustration... and i felt really lonely being in that situation by myself... i guess you can say that i brought that frustration by myself, so i should bear the consequence... and i fell asleep with stuffed nose and tears drying up on my cheeks. lol

this morning, i woke up... for the first time in my life (from what i can remember), i said out loud "mom, i don't want to go to church, can you tell the lady that i overslept and you just can't wake me up because i am sleeping like a dead pig?" it was almost like a school kid trying to find excuses not to go to school... of course it is not going to work. i dragged myself from my slumber and got dressed...to find out that my mom doesn't have to go to work until 11AM...which will give HER enough time to go to church if she leaves 5-10 minutes before it ends. So...i convinced her to go and promised that i'll drive her to work so she won't be late... instead of going with a bunch of almost strangers (who will probably again ask why i don't believe in god or why i don't want to get baptized), i went with my mom... despite the difficulty trying to understand the lyrics in the chinese worship songs (most of which sound sad to me comparing to the english ones), things went well. i listened to today's message about how to change our outlook on life instead of changing the environment and how to be brave and keep going on with our lives with lots of faith and belief in god...

my mood is kind of going haywire today....i was so sad driving back home after i dropped my mom off... thinking about things that i shouldn't even be worried about... lol my mom's robbing off her nature on me. i gotta find someway to let this out...

bye bye