so, i took a leap in the air...

and told him on the most inconvenient day possible

as expected, i am the bad guy.

i feel like i am always the bad guy in this whole relationship. i am sure all his friends are going to think very bad of me, because i am the one who brought it up in this seemingly perfect match. others will probably say, "it's about time...she never seemed like she cared." i am sure that some of my friends are going to think i am crazy for throwing away this relationship. Only those who are in the same boat as me seem to understand what I mean, when I say that I don't know where I am going with this.

whatever they may say behind my back. only i will know how hard this is to manage. distance takes a toll on a long term relationship. i witnessed it as a teenager, and now I experience it as an adult. you do grow apart, because you have different plans and goals. it is hard to make them converge at the right time and right place, especially when each has his/her own agenda. my somewhat predictable career projection is hard for someone outside the circle to understand, and being someone who likes to move every few years certainly doesn't ease the situation.

how can i commit myself to a relationship when i don't even have a common goal with the guy? if the common goal is marriage, then i am even less certain of it... in the last 2.5 months, i have really lost faith in marriage. those of my friends who are single seem to be happier with their lives than those who are married. if it is to be together in 3 years, i am also inclined not to believe in it... 3 years is a long time. i feel that i've certainly changed somewhat, probably more jaded, in the last 4 years... i doubt that i will be the same in another 3 years.

i am confused, uncertain, and unhappy with this current situation...and lots of changes are coming up.