this is another one of those rare times in life when my parents, my brother, and I are under the same roof again. one of the reasons is because of dad's health...

we went to vegas together this winter break. it was my 2nd time going to vegas... not a place that i would go by myself or choose by myself. but, i got to spend some time with them...who knows when the next time will be once i start residency? better seize the day now than regret it later.

dad gained some weight after quitting smoking... tobacco free is a plus for many reasons, but the amazing increase in appetite is a bit scary. i have never seen him eating that much before for as long as i remember...and he actually thinks everything tastes good! he used to be an extremely picky eater! i wonder if it is also the psychological knowledge of his own mortality that he now does not complain much of anything...

dad also sleeps a lot. not sure if that is a result of the jet lag or actual fatigue from everything that is on his mind...

i got to meet grace... nice girl. takes care of yee, and yee seems to be very happy to have her around. i realized how expectations are so different for a girlfriend than for a boyfriend from my parents... i feel bad that mine has to go through so many hoops... i understand why from my parents' perspective, but i don't really know how to say to him but the honest truth. i wonder if he is very discouraged from all these years, and i have nothing better to offer... i am not even sure if happiness is the majority part of this relationship for him... there are another 3 years, and I don't even know how things will turn out... it is quite unsettling to know. i think it'll be good if i get married later (if i ever do) than yee does... maybe life will be a bit easier.

and then i remembered the statistics for divorce in a physician.....~1/2...

that's pretty grim...

maybe this is where all of my recent headaches come from... i get satisfaction in what i do, but everything else suffers...

is it possible to have everything?

taking a break from studying despite the fact that I still have 6 more lectures to go over, a quiz to take, review of lab, plus going over some of the week 1/2 lectures from this block, etc., etc. The list can probably be expanded longer, but I'll just stop here and stop whining about the life of a 1st year medical student...

On a side note... My earlier break consisted of reading my cousin's blog. He's a pretty good writer, and one of his posts really resonated in me.

It struck me that I've not introspected myself for a while. I remember how often I reflected late at night from my walk back from the library to the dorm in college, but no more. It may be hard to imagine, but sometimes I do feel that my life has been taken over by medical school and that I have little control over it. For the past week, I've spent probably 2/3 of my week in school for both lectures and studying the lecture material. I leave home at 7:30AM latest, and I get home at around 12AM midnight. I then spend about 5.5-6 hrs in my bed, and the 1-1.5 hr washing dishes, showering, and preparing food for the next day. I barely get time for myself...and when I do have a short time for myself, e.g. walking from school to the parking lot, I don't want to think anymore, especially after a long day of classes and studying.

Reflection helped me to to think about life and plan my future before... now, I feel that my life is drifting with time, and I am merely following the flow of time and I only live in the present. There is barely time for imagination and thoughts to wander and take their courses, and I miss it. The world has become a concrete, physical thing rather than a mixture of tangible and non-tangible matters. It is suffocating, smothering my once passionate dreams. What exactly am I chasing after? What exactly do I wish to accomplish? Many times in the recent past, I shocked myself with the thoughts that I will only become a mediocre physician, practicing in a small place where I will be unable to grow intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. My future life will be based on the pursuit of materialistic things and not of happiness and sense of fulfilment from helping others... and I will become a slave to my job/career...

Hopefully my fear will never come true...