..........sigh..........

i need to talk to someone right now... i mean "talk" as in that i need someone to "listen" to me complain... don't think that's very pleasant for the listener

i cried at least for 30 minutes today in one of those study group rooms in the library... tears just rolled down my cheek, nonstop... i got really emotional, which hasn't happened that often since 5 years ago... (sometimes i wonder if i am "dead" from the inside)

I felt helpless...

Last weekend, I was talking to dad (in Chinese) on the phone, and I couldn't figure out HOW to say some sentences in Chinese... My brain worked as if it is trying to translate English straight into Chinese without any reorganization of the sentence structure. I was shocked and ashamed... Shocked that I couldn't say the sentence in the normal Chinese way and ashamed that i am forgetting my native language. desperation... Fear overcame me while i was in the library... I felt that the language is draining out of me, drip by drip, little by little.... helplessness... it is as if i am watching someone bleeding to death and yet i can't do anything to stop it... or watching someone sinkinig into the quick sand, yet i don't have the ability to pull him out... eventually, it will stop dripping...because he will die one day, because the language will be gone from me forever... so what will happen to me when i forget about it? will i still be considered to be Chinese? I feel like i am nobody, belonging to no affiliated group... i am not considered to be "Chinese," or "American," not even "Taiwanese" even though I was born and raised there for 13 years. Who will I be? Who am I now? Is language the way to determine someone's identity? In most cases, yes.... but...... Or is the place where one feels most at home determines his/her identity? Most likely... but... I don't feel most at home in either the US or Taiwan... I feel that the "home" i know since i was little is really far away from me now... home is never the same again after i came to the US... no, not the same anymore. When I go back to Taiwan, I feel like i am a guest at my own home... People look at me as if I am a foreigner, a stranger...

who am I? in terms of ethnicity? culture? who am I intrinsically, not thinking about ethnicity and culture? i am just a wanna-be-all girl? shallow and dumb?

people tell me that i am sweet, thoughtful, blah blah blah... but do i really have those qualities...or do i just fake to be "good"? I know i did when i was little....... is the pei that people are seeing the real me? or is she somebody else who just want to be me?

it feels horrible to lose one's own identity, lose the knowledge of knowing who oneself really is......lose the childish innocence....

i tried to summon the wind at 7pm when i was walking back from the library... i used to summon the wind all the time when i was little... i thought i could hear nature talks to me... crazy...

maybe i am crazy....