last night, i had a good conversation with yee. :) little brother is growing old now (have gray hair! muwahahaha). no, but that he's "unofficially" going out with a girl. hehe. I am so happy for him. and of course, i told him about my worries... ;-) secret for now.

talked on the phone with dad on Saturday... mm...i think he was expecting more things from me other than the business concerning my schedule for next year and grandma's health. Perhaps, I am just thinking too much, but he sounded like he'd like to know more about what's going on in my life, not academically. He said at the end of the conversation, "that's it? only about school (schedule)?" I should've said something about what's bothering me right now, but in actuality, I don't even know if the thing is THAT important...

sigh.....i don't know about taking initiative ever... i am not as bold as i seem to be. i am not as tough as i seem to be...(do I seem tough to some people?) i am not "cold" either. sometimes, i just keep quiet to myself because i have nothing to say, or because i just want to keep my thoughts to myself. i am always afraid that the things i say will hurt people's feelings, because i used to do that without realizing that my words are as sharp as knife. i think in the process of changing my bad habits, i also lost a part of my old self, for the better or worse.

i suppose that not many people know that i was like a "fireball" or a "red pepper" when i was little. i was violent... i fought a lot with people, just for the fun of it... hard to imagine, isn't it? i don't understand how i had that much guts to pick on fights between the classes and that much energy to chase people around just to get a chance to hit them/kick them. I used to pinch people, even my best friends (yet i love her...in a friendly way)... she said to me, "chen pei (that's how they always called me), you know that you are building your happiness on other's suffering, right?" she was so patient, never really got mad at my horrible behavior. i would argue with people using words that have been twisted out of their original meaning. dad would always tell me straight to my face (not in front of others though) that i need to correct my way of treating people and that i need to watch that's coming out of my mouth (btw, i never cursed), because i don't think before i say. all these behaviors start to leave me by the beginning of my 1st year in middle school (last year in taiwan)...

every time when i look at the stars in the night sky, these thoughts come across me...

what will happen to me in the future? will my dreams come true? will i always have something to work towards to? what are my friends in taiwan? how are they doing? do they think of me from time to time just like how they come to my dream from time to time? how are dad, grandma, and grandpa doing in taiwan? mom and yee? the universe is so big, so vast, so mysterious... what's on the other side? what are the other creatures doing at this time while i am looking at the stars? are they wondering about the same thing? or are they way too advanced that they don't really care what we are doing? or are they also trying to find a way to communicate with us? or are they still in the developmental state that they don't have the capability to think about these? where is the north star? can i find the big dipper today? isn't there a way to use the big dipper to find the north star?

i like looking at the stars... they are so silvery white, pure, & somewhat mysterious. maybe they whisper to me in a starry language :-p how romantic...

i am just babbling...this is so unorganized...jumping all over the place. :-/

p.s. the war in iraq has started :-/ don't like war at all, don't see any good other than their leader will be killed/expelled... what about the future? how do they know that the war will stop future terrorists? (just my own ideas...don't take it seriously)