This is about an old lady in the nursing home who has been depressed for a while. Yesterday, I went to her and told her that I will not be able to come and visit her over the summer, because I am going back home. I promised her that I will come back again in late August/early September. She told me that she will not be here by then. I asked her why and if her family is going to take her home. ¡§No,¡¨ she said with tears in her eyes, ¡§I will be dead by then.¡¨ It was like a thunder bolt struck on my head. I was shocked and speechless. I can understand why she would say something like that because she¡¦s been through a lot of pain, but that statement seems so real and yet so unreal at the same time. Life is really fragile, yet it can be really resilient too. We never know what will happen the next month, the next day, the next minute, the next second. I know that death is inevitable, but the way she said it made it sound like nobody cares for her even if she dies. I tried to change the subject by talking about the flowers that one of the volunteers has planted for her because I know she loves flowers and lively plants. It made her feel a little better temporarily, but not for long, I am sure. I want to do something with my little power¡K I want to make her feel better. I want to let her know that people do care a lot about her, that she is not going to be alone. I said that I would pray for her, and I asked God to give her strength, physically and spiritually¡K Is it going to work? I don¡¦t know¡K I wish I can make clones of myself and send a bunch of me to just keep companies with the elderly, so that they won¡¦t be that lonely.

That incident reminds me of someone even more dearer to me, my own grandma. Not being able to go back to Taiwan is really such a great disappointment for me. Not only will I not be able to hang out with my friends and see my dad, I will not see my grandparents. I love them¡K I realize that I have developed a really close attachment with them throughout the past 5-6 years while I am here. Even though I don¡¦t talk to them much, I can definitely feel the tie, the love, and the caress they gave me. They are always thinking about me and being proud of me. The scary part is that they are getting old, and you know that they will not live forever, that they will leave you one day¡K How much time do they have is truly a big question, a mystery that nobody will know until the end comes. I don¡¦t want to miss any part of their lives, not like how I missed the last part of my grandma¡¦s (mom¡¦s mom) life. She was holding on, waiting for us to go back to see her for the last time. She knew, but she didn¡¦t say. She was so strong in her mind in her unconsciousness (she was in a coma by the end)¡K. Yet, we missed it by 2 days. I don¡¦t want to miss it out again. No, if I do¡KI will really regret a lot. I already am, because I never really got to know her (mom¡¦s mom) as well as I should. I loved her, and I still love her¡K I didn¡¦t really get to know her that well, because I was too young to understand what life is all about. Now, I get to know my dad¡¦s parents so much better. It is even harder to imagine the consequence of missing it out. My grandmas (both of them) want to see me graduating for medical school, getting married, having kids, etc. etc. One of them didn¡¦t get to see it¡K She didn¡¦t get to see any of her grandchildren getting married¡K Now, I only have one grandma, and her little hopes might be unfulfilled, too. Argh¡K I want to see her¡K It is so sad to see her how life is just leaking out of her summer after summer, slowly, but surely. I can¡¦t bear it. It is like an invisible force twisting and wringing my heart like a hand drying a wet sponge. It hurts. The even sadder part is that my grandma (dad¡¦s mom) knows that she doesn¡¦t have eternal life and that her time will come. This year, she will be so disappointed to know that none of her grandkids will be able to go and see her (since my 2 cousins are in Canada and yee and I are in the US). She can¡¦t do anything about it. I can¡¦t do anything. Dad can¡¦t do anything. Nobody can really do too much about anything with SARS going on. I hope that I will be able to go back in the winter, even though the cold and the wind there can be a little unbearable. Let her be well. Let my grandpa be well too. Let them be healthy.

Ms. D¡¦s plants are growing very well. The corn, broccoli, mixed flowers, pinks, green peas, etc are all sprouting madly on the window pane. Growing something gives one something to hope for, something to look forward to, something to be excited about¡K right? At least I think so. It makes life seem hopeful...