I just killed an innocent spider that is bigger than the size of a quarter. I prayed while I used the edge of the paper, my lint roller, and a piece of tissue to gather its soft lifeless shrunken body and put the body into the toilet. I watched it float on the water surface and really wished that he/she (whatever gender the spider had) will have a good life...and won't be killed by me again.

It was sitting upside down (my perspective, probably its right side up in its perspective) on the ceiling, relaxing as I called my friend Lauren. It sat there motionlessly, perhaps just enjoying life on the ceiling of a warm room. It did not expect any animosity or whatsoever until I came along into its life... Fear instead of hatred seized my heart as soon as I saw it on my pale yellow ceiling. I hope it is not going to climb above my bed and drop down hanging on a piece of its thread when I sleep... I hope I don't swallow it during sleep. These were the thoughts running across my mind, not hatred. It could have been a female spider carrying all her unborn baby spiders (if it is that kind of spider...I don't really know, not a spider expert)...Then I probably just killed lots of spider in one smash with the lint roller... Please come down to the floor, please don't be on the ceiling. I thought about throwing my lint roller at it so it might get scared and drop, but I didn't do that... I thought about spraying it with my suitemate's bathroom air freshener (grapefruit scented). That was what I did. I pulled my chair by the bed (so the spider wouldn't drop on my chair and so I could stand on the chair), aimed the head at the direction of the spider, pressed down the button, and sprayed grapefruit scent at the motionless sleepy spider. It surely woke her up. She moved forward a few steps with the 8 mechanical long feet and stopped to nap again. No... Come down the ceiling! I sprayed some more, and it finally couldn't resist the scent and fell to my carpet.

AHHHHHHH that was a sharp yelp of desperation... Why can't I have a guy here who is not afraid of spider? I wished that I had the courage to take it outside so it could go back to where it belongs to (this is what I usually do to the ladybugs or Japanese beetles). Instead of doing what I normally do to spiders which is to lure them onto a piece of napkin/tissue, roll it into a ball shape with the opening snatch closed, throw it into the toilet, and flush, I smash the poor soul with my lint roller TWICE (missed it the first time...because I am so bad at aiming and because I didn't have the heart to do it)... Of course, I aimed right at it on the second try. Flat...dead...motionless. The body shrank in the instance when it died. Muscles all rigid, legs curled in.

Now what have I done? I killed it! How am I going to clean the blood stain on my carpet? Even though the blood is colorless, there is still the stain. The stain will always be there. Its grave site is not the toilet but my carpet... So I tried to remove the body off my carpet by using the edge of the paper, the pinpoint of my blue pen, tissue stuck on the lint (hoping that it might stick to the still wet body)... nope. In vain. In the process of doing it, I broke her one of her 8 long legs now curled into a tight ball. what a crime... It is like the crime of mutilating another human's body after he/she is dead. I felt so guilty. I cannot imagine anybody doing the same thing to my dead body when I am dead. I cleaned it up while talking to the dead body... Isn't this a pathetic scene?
this is my confession for the day...