I am MADLY in love... I don't think I have mentioned my feelings and my struggles to too many people, but anyhow. I now know what it feels like to be "in love." Although the thought of him does not constantly occupy my mind, it is pretty close to doing that. The smallest things people say or do would remind me of the things that he says or does. Sometimes, the most insignificant objects would bring up my memory of him. It is strange how the brain works in this area. (I really should borrow Thuy's neurobiology textbook and read about it.) I have this anticipatione every time I get on AIM or MSN, because I secretly wish that he's online too. There is this great disappointment when he is not, but that is quickly overcomed when the conversation window from him pops up in front of my eyes. Then, I have this happy smile on my face for like a minute. My mom probably thinks that I am MAD. I also enjoy listening to him on the phone. I wouldn't say that his voice is the most attractive, the sexiest or the deepest, in fact, to me his voice is has this sleepy/lazy tone to it (not the greatest in the world, to be truthful). He has the total opposite voice of my dream guy. LOL. Go figure. I miss the solid squeezing hugs and the passionate kisses from him. (sorry about the information, you can skip if you want...) Yes...these are some of the physical evidences.

During the past two months...lol...(which i can't believe)...I also face some of my predicted difficulties that have come true. Despite the fact that we like each other a lot, not everyone in the family has accepted the reality. I guess I can't really force it, but at the same time, I don't want to create discouragement or disappointment on any side. I feel like the peanutbutter between two slices of toast bread. Hopefully, the bread won't squeeze me too hard to lose the peanutbutter. (maybe raspberry jam is better...hehe...since i like it better...) So far, I am just letting time taking its course and allowing the "shock" to sink in. It seems to be working a little bit, although the particular person is still in a state of denial. I think she's afraid that i am going to be "settled" for the rest of my life even though this is far from being in that state of affair. I just merely started a relationship! Yes, it'd be nice if everything just falls into places easily, but I don't really know what is going to happen in the future. That is something I will find out much much later in my life. I am not going to speed it up. The situation may be better if another person is around... at least he has some influence over everything in the family. I don't know why my mom is so scared. Yes, her daughter is growing up and is involved in a relationship, but it doesn't mean that I am gone and bound to some invisible obligations... No. I still have freedom to follow my dreams, make my own decisions, and do things my way. It doesn't meant that I am going to grow up all of a sudden and leave the poor woman alone by herself. No. that's not ethical for me either... I just wish that she can be more secure about her position in my heart. I value her so much that I dare not disobey her even though I argue and become disgruntled. I don't do so many things because I care about her, because she is my mom, and because i can only have one mom. I feel like I've tried so hard to please her, and I get zero positive feedback or at least constructive advice. It makes me really tired... and sometimes, I just want to drop everything and let everything shatter to pieces, and say "I give up...forget about everything. I am through." but...that's not me. i don't give up easily.

sigh...i am going to stop venting...

on a side note... i will never take mom's "ethical" advice no more... her ethical advice of not reporting a possible psychological abuse almost GOT ME IN TROUBLE at work today. seriously...dude. and... people definitely don't listen when they are emotional. i didn't even get a chance to say anything...

blah... time for bed.