Here goes my scattered thoughts...

during my anatomy lab this afternoon, wendy (the professor) came in to say hello and to take her break from teaching the medical school histology class. Don, Andrew, Wendy, and I ended up talking about relationships, marriage, kids, work, sex, etc... It started with Don asking how Wendy feel about giving kids the "sex talk." She told us about her experience w/ her stepdaughters, husband, and the ex-wife. Later on, she went on to talk about her first marriage and expressed how she didn't really know herself when she got married the first time at 26...

that kind of got me thinking...

as a 21-year old college senior, how much do I know myself? Sometimes I wondered why I am in a relationship other than the fact that I really like the guy... He is one of the most thoughtful and caring guys that I know, and I know that he really loves me. What about me? Why does it make me feel guilty every time he treats me well, like a princess? Sometimes, he makes me cry just because he is doing so much for me. I feel like I owe him, even though he doesn't ask anything back. For some reasons, I feel like i am going to disappoint him and even break his heart in the future, something that I truly hope will never happen. Maybe I am just worrying too much... Am I in this relationship because I feel that I somehow have to "repay" him? I don't think so... It is more like I got myself into it because I wanted it...and this feeling was not anticipated...

I am not very confident in relationships anymore... I used to be very confident about it when I was younger. Perhaps, I have grown over the past few years and witnessed a few events that somewhat crushed my ideals...

I am afraid that I am going to become like my mom... becoming nervous and stressed constantly, unable to make decisions, and unable to communicate effectively... I see her shadow in myself. The older I get, the more I see myself morphing into mini-Mom... I am not a big fan of that... I don't want to cause frustrations to my future family members if I have one. I certainly don't want those characteristics to strain the relationship between myself and my other half... The only thing I can try to do to prevent any of these problems from happening is to prevent myself from permanently acquire those traits.

I feel like I have made my life more complicated in the past few months, and it is scary how fast things are going.

I can totally understand why wendy thinks it is better to get married late and start a family late...maybe in the 30s instead of in the 20s...

mm...anyhow...i am dozing off again. i think i am going to read some research papers now... i will probably come back to this talk later...