i've been somewhat stressed lately...partly due to going to medical school... it is not really about BEING in medical school, but more like the financial burden that's starting to take toll on my mental being. to be honest, this burden isn't really coming from the loan or the cost of attending school, but more like from my mom.... she is making me really stressed out because she is stressed out and unhappy.

i feel like my education is a huge burden on her and her being unhappy... sometimes i just want to yell at her for being so money driven, not that money is not important... sigh... i don't even know where to start....

i am really stressed out.... sometimes i feel like i think and act more like an adult than my mom....

i really wish that i can make her happier...but it seems that only money can make her happy...and i have none.

she thinks that i know nothing about managing money and knowing about the real world... maybe i don't know as much as she does, but i certainly know SOMETHING...

she's been telling me in the past few days that she feels really "poor"...or in a sense "unhappy"... one of the incidence happened today, when she mentioned that i seems happy these couple of days, because charlie is coming... i told her of course, because he's my boyfriend... then she made the comment that she feels "unhappy and poor"....... does she know how that made me feel? it is as if she's jealous of my happiness and wishing that she can rub some of that "unhappiness" onto me so i can become like her. maybe she doesn't mean it like that, but it certainly made me feel like, "why are you saying this? I am your daughter, aren't you supposed to feel happy for me?" What is the point of being "poor and unhappy"? it doesn't make life any better, and life will still go on. It will not earn people's sympathy....and if it does, what good will it do to you? It makes me feel that she's selfish..... although she probably didn't mean it that way.... or maybe she's just trying to get attention from me... but it's not like i am not paying attention to her..... sigh. i dunno...

my roommate's moving in situation also stressed her out, because we would have to stay in a hotel for 3 days before we can move in... i realize that the money spent in hotel will be like a month of my rent, but the location is really nice... she thought i didn't consider the cost of hotel...but i did. i don't know why she thinks that i am still as naive as a high school student. maybe i haven't experienced enough, but i am certainly not that brainless and thoughtless... i have a feeling that she'll be complaining about it once we start to move in... she's already prepared her to be unhappy..... i hate it.

why can't she be content with what she has? sometimes i want to knock on her head and ask what she wants from me.... is it money? i'll pay everything back to her once i start working and paying off my loans.... then she denies about her wanting of money....yet money is one of the most frequently mentioned things in her action and speech.... Maybe money makes her feel more secure than having her kids being around her....

sometimes i feel like i think more mature than she is.... or we can just have completely different values...

this entry consists of complaints against my mom....because i am really stressed and frustrated... i am sorry...to complain about my mom.....i really am...but i just need to vent a little bit... please don't tell her...

it's hard to be her daughter. i secretly hope that she can see it...